Sex should be fun, but sometimes it goes in the complete opposite direction and becomes, well, hazardous to your health. Sex injuries happen and, while they can be funny, they can also land you in the emergency room. Reddit users have gotten frank about some of their cringe-worthy rolls in the sack, and we’ve compiled 12 of their craziest stories.
UNEXPECTED BLOOD
“I once got a ridiculous nosebleed during doggy style. Didn’t notice until it was over. I pulled my face out of the pillow and noticed it was sopping. I told him to turn the light on and he nearly vomited. My entire face was 100 percent covered in blood, as well as the pillow. We literally squeezed blood from the pillow there was so much. It looked like a murder scene, and when I walked out of the room to clean up, his drunk roommate just stared. Had no idea what to do.” —owltattoo
AT LEAST IT’S NOT CRABS
“[I was] giving [my] boyfriend head on the beach at night by a mangrove. [I got] devoured by noseeums (sand fleas). Come home head to toe in bites… in every crevice.” —mormontronix
NO DUIS HERE
“While having drunk sex, I dislocated a guy’s shoulder. The rest of the house was also pretty hammered, and the closest hospital was 30-plus miles away. After trying to get it back in ourselves (and making it worse), we had to wait [until] someone was sober enough to drive. He had to sit in excruciating pain for almost an hour and a half before anyone was confident enough to drive. Needless to say, I felt like a real a**hole.” —Purjinke_Shift
COME AGAIN
“Boyfriend tried to give me a playful slap in the face, got my ear instead, [and] burst my eardrum. It was perforated in five places and I was deaf in that ear for weeks. I went to the doctor to get it checked to see if it would ever heal, and told him some ridiculous story about falling over onto my ear. He said he’d never seen anything like it and was going to tell all his colleagues. Whoops!” —nekolalia
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WATCH OUT FOR WEAPONS
“I was giving a HJ [hand job] to a guy in the shower. Just before he came, he elbowed the wall of the shower and it knocked his razor off and landed on my foot blade down. I was gushing all kinds of blood (although certainly exaggerated by the running water carrying it through the tub) but I swallowed the wince and the pain until after he was done cumming. Afterwards he pulled a nickel-sized piece of skin out of the razor while I cleaned my wound and it left a mark for well over a year.” —gingeredditor
CHECK THE LABEL
“I work in an adult toy shipping warehouse so I usually get a bunch of free samples of lube and condoms and what have [you]. Me and my ex were [going] at it in my basement. She asks for some lube. And I oblige by grabbing a trial-size sample of lube I got from work. It’s getting hot and heavy and we both agree that this lube is awesome, so we go faster and harder to give it a run for its money. When all of a sudden I look down and [it’s] all white and foamy. [It’s] dark in the basement so here I accidentally grabbed a free sample of shaving cream… I thought it was hilarious. Her not so much. Cause after we stop to see what was going on she starts screaming in pain saying [it’s] burning. Gives her a yeast infection. —haireball
CREATIVE LIE
“When I was younger, I had to take my girlfriend to the ER because while going down on me she had her jaw lock open and we couldn’t get it closed. I met her parents at the ER for the first time. Her dad wouldn’t talk to me, her mom was really nice though! (I told them she was yawning too hard when it happened.)” —mkultraman
SCRATCHING THE ITCH
“My boyfriend and I unknowingly had sex in a patch of poison ivy, and I had poison ivy (for the first time) between my legs, on my a**, on my forehead, and on my palms (which is the WORST), and he had it on his face and hands. Funny thing is, it commonly happens to couples at my school.” —inked
NO TRACTION
“I lifted her up against the wall in the shower. The cleaners were there that morning and had rolled up the suction cup mat that you usually lay in the tub for some traction. My left foot slipped forward; she came tumbling down on top of me as I fell backwards, taking the shower curtain with me. I hit the back of my head on the toilet pretty hard (no concussion, thankfully), fractured my ankle, and cracked my back on the floor. For two years now, I’ve had chronic lower back pain whenever I sit or don’t stretch every couple of hours. As for her, she got off without a scratch because she had someone to cushion her fall.” —plinky4
CHILLIES AND ORAL SEX DO NOT MIX
“[My] ex-bf cooked us dinner that involved chopping and eating chilli [peppers]. Later on he went down [on me and used his] fingers.. Holy hell I have never felt that sort of horrible burning pain down there. [I] ended up having to hop in the shower and rinse off for a while as we both laughed and he suggested I ‘splash some milk on it’ since that helps with spicy food.” —ikapai
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WATCH YOUR HEAD
“I once got a concussion from having sex. I was on top, normal cowgirl position when my boyfriend thrusts a bit and I overbalanced and smacked my head into the wall next to us. Mood was destroyed instantly and I spent the rest of the night feeling very very sick and having a sore head.” —Jingleberry
Responses have been lightly edited for style and clarity.
This article originally appeared on Women’s Health.
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