Intro
God bless the female orgasm, simultaneously one of life’s greatest pleasures and mysteries. Yet much like in the boardroom or the game room, a lot of dudes have an inflated sense of confidence in the bedroom—especially around the topic of that oh-so-sacred lady O.
So we’d like to school the penises in our lives on the ways they might be missing the mark, when it comes to hitting our mark:
1
Sometimes, our ‘gasms can range from mini sparklers to mind-blowing fireworks. Trust us, both are hot. Don’t stress if it’s not a Fourth of July celebration every single time we bump uglies.
Alyssa Zolina
2
You may think you’re blowing our minds with a simple hoist of your phalanges, but sometimes your finger(s) feels like nothing more than…well, a finger. Don’t expect big results with zero strategy. Learn how to use every tool in your shed before busting it out!
Alyssa Zolina
3
Just because we climaxed from that double-axel tongue twist you did on Thursday, it doesn’t automatically mean we’re gonna do so on Sunday. It’s no reflection on your oral consistency and showmanship—orgasms can be fickle.
Alyssa Zolina
4
If you don’t know by now that a gal needs substantial foreplay before you penetrate her, you don’t deserve to be having sex. There are exceptions—sometimes in a pinch (or in a public bathroom stall), you gotta get straight to the main event—but otherwise, please always remember a proper warm-up is crucial to preventing injuries a during a full-body workout.
Alyssa Zolina
5
So you gave it your best shot/thrust/lick/suck/touch (you get it) and we still didn’t reach our peak. It doesn’t mean you aren’t sexy as hell. Sometimes we really do just enjoy the journey (vigorously humping) even if we never get to the intended destination (O-town). We should probably meme that.
Alyssa Zolina
6
Sometimes you’re too busy high-fiving yourself in the bathroom mirror to even realize that despite our heavy panting, we didn’t cross the finish line.
Alyssa Zolina
7
Occasionally our victories are silent without a lot of pomp and circumstance. We’re super humble like that. Please see aforementioned “not screaming but still pleasing” bullet point.
Alyssa Zolina
8
This is Sex-Ed 101, but it bears repeating since a lot of men folk can’t even find the clitoris much less define it. Some women can only come from clitoral stimulation; others gotta have that G-spot hit, and some lucky ladies can achieve climax from both! Take the time to learn more about the preferences of the vagina in your life.
Alyssa Zolina
9
Nipple orgasms are a thing. Don’t label them simply as pawns in your foreplay. Those gals can score serious points so put ’em in, coach!
Alyssa Zolina
10
We’re sure you feel the same way about portions of your own crotch. Don’t be offended or assume we no longer want our, ahem, hood popped, if we have a momentary wince when you try to get work. It shouldn’t be labeled a hazardous zone from that point forward.
Alyssa Zolina
11
Sure, our vibrator may give us a fantastic orgasm, but that doesn’t mean you’re second fiddle! There’s room for your man handling even when we have a sidepiece with a motor. Our rabbit can’t pull our hair or smack our ass, so in that regard, unlike the Beyoncé song, you’re irreplaceable.
Alyssa Zolina
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